I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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