You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
