It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
