i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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