I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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