Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
