Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
