Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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