i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let's paint friendship bongs
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
