bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
