between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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