Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
