how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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