I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
