I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
