Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Randomize
