last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
