she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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