last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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