the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
