thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
