Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
