I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
