just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
