Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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