After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
