I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
