She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
