My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
