I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
