Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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