After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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