I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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