When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
