so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
