Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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