i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize