allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
