I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
