I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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