the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
