you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
