Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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