I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
