he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
