Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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