Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm always down for nudity.
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