sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
