There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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