Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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